"The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath.
There it is: a small window into my life. Regardless of all other hindrances, self-doubt disables my motivation and throws me into a handicap when it comes to writing. I am striving to write again!
"The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place, in the air. All I must do is find it, and copy it." -Jules Renard, Feb. 1895.
And so you find me here! My husband, Thomas, will give me writing assignments along with deadlines and I will post the assignment and my response to it in this blog. He's not a writer, but he does have great ideas! This project may turn out to be a total flop, but what can it hurt to try? There will be several difficulties working against me: I've gotten into a habit of
not writing. Time is not usually on my side. My creative writing skills have probably weakened due to lack of use. I have a husband, two puppies, home, friends, and family who also need my attention. I have a pretty dry job that stifles the flow of creativity in the synapses in my brain. And finally, I am a perfectionist, which hinders my writing because I don't even want to get started unless I have everything figured out first; then even if I get started on the writing process, I quickly lose motivation because there are too many thoughts flying about in my head and the perfectionist me can't seem to align them all in the proper manner. But those are all excuses right?
Well, I have some motivating factors too: I have a husband to give me the assignments and reminders to write! I live in a beautiful area that ought to be full of inspiration, if only I look for it. I have some excellent writing resources at home from which to draw ideas and assistance. I even have my own writing/creativity room at home which may need a renewed dubbing. I have, I hope, at least a few readers...you! :) You will be reading my posts, won't you?
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." ~Mark Twain
As with everything, practice makes perfect and it may take me a little while before I am able to get back into the swing of writing such that I am able to pin-point a more exact and proper word choice for every situation. I may have to go back to doing things like reading the dictionary! I am not scared by words, or even a whole lot of words when I see them on a page; I am, however, afraid of using imprecise language.
I like pleonasm...I like having the "wiggle" room to describe something in as many ways as I can think - in too many words, as some people think. However, I do not like being unable to conjure the words I need to describe exactly the emotion or scene that I feel with my heart or see in my mind. It is this fear, oftentimes, that disables my motivation.
I don't want to tell you that the moon is shining; I'd rather show you the glint of light on broken glass (Anton Chekhov). I often tell myself:
If I have an idea worthy of writing down and if I cannot write with a certain precision of language and give that idea the description it deserves, then I should not write it down at all (me). So I don't write it down, and then it never gets written down because I get distracted by life. I wonder if anyone else encounters these road blocks? I'm sure I'm not the only one.
I am afraid of humdrum writing...I certainly don't want to leave myself, and especially not my readers, bored! So, I'll try to give myself a break if you will too, okay?
In 1947, George Orwell gave a candid explanation for why he wrote; he expounded upon 4 motives for writing, which every writer has to varying degrees. Orwell was correct in saying "and in any one writer the proportions will vary from time to time, according to the atmosphere in which he is living." You can read Orwell's entire explanation here:
http://www.resort.com/~prime8/Orwell/whywrite.html
Without going into great detail which you can read in Orwell's explanation, the 4 motives that he identifies are Sheer Egoism, Aesthetic Enthusiasm, Historical Impulse, and Political Purpose. I think those identifiers are pretty self-explanatory. I will, perhaps, start to discover which of these motives is stronger in my current self as I write these assignments. It's not as important to find out which motives are the strongest in me, but rather, which is the strongest motivator to actually make me start writing again -- that is the one I need to feed and nurture like a seedling, and yet, I must do so in a manner that doesn't compromise the other priorities in my life. I have a feeling that the motivator that I have most nurtured of the four - Sheer Egoism - not only makes me feel guilty because I feel selfish, but I think that it is currently and apparently the
least likely of the 4 motivators to get me back into writing...
Sometimes, people realize something about themselves - something about their personality or about how they relate to the world around them - but they don't always say out loud what it is they've realized. Tonight, I realized something about myself and spoke it out loud in words with no one but my two dachshunds in the room. They just kept on sleeping...no cataclysmic change for them. But it was a great discovery for me! Though it has been lurking in the recesses of my heart since I was young, I finally discovered and spoke out loud one of the key things that has motivated me to want to write and publish books. As I mentioned above, this motivator is that of "sheer egoism," but in my case, it has built upon itself since my childhood and would probably best be described as a sort of
desperate egoism. I also realized this same motivation has lately had the complete opposite effect on me such that I have often thought "what's the point in writing?" And so I don't write. This is a cycle that I must put to an end. I will need to refocus my thoughts and energies to draw my motivation from somewhere else - perhaps from one of the other motivators. Unfortunately, this part of my story will be anti-climactic for you readers because my discovery is not something I can share with the world at this time because it may cause hurt for some who read this - I hope you will forgive me for keeping you in the dark for now. I hope that one day I will be able to share it without hurting anyone. On the other hand, I'm sure there are many intelligent folks out there who can easily put two and two together to figure out more or less what my discovery was.
I once found a quote by Sinclair Lewis that said
"It is impossible to discourage the real writers - they don't give a *darn* what you say, they're going to write." As a few years have passed, much also has come to pass in my life. I have had what I deem as "the writer's urge" to write about it all, good and bad; instead, I have written nothing. I disagree with Lewis - I don't think this makes me less of a writer. It makes me a little more like how Jesus Christ wants me, I hope. I think I do care
too much what other people think or say, but in terms of what I am going to write and publish, I don't want to publicize some real-life event that may hurt someone who reads it. That's not my goal in writing. On the other hand, I think that someone might be able to learn from my experiences, good and bad, so I struggle with whether or not to write about it and publicize it. I prefer fiction anyway, especially children's literature, but sometimes I just wish I could write creative non-fiction about my experiences...not to hurt someone who's "in" the story, but to share it for a didactic purpose - to give others the opportunity to learn from my experiences, if they will.
The slightest little thing can serve as an inspiration for a "story," and that story can transform into anything from a passing thought, a short story, a novel, a series of novels, a TV show, a feature film...you get the picture. I recently had an inspiration for what will probably turn into either a series of novels or a TV series. Numerous facets of my present life gave way to this one inspiration for a story, but one of the oddest things that inspired me for this story was when I scrutinized the tiling in a public bathroom! It is indeed an odd place to get inspiration for a story! Since then, I feel like my eyes have been more open and ready to capture the slightest detail from my daily life in order to form a story or story character. Exercising my creativity, you might say. So, let me get started and see how I manage to keep up with this writing endeavor...I will respond to my husband's writing prompts and maybe insert some of my own commentaries or assignments; hopefully I will evoke a laugh, a tear, a smile, or even a creative thought from you. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to post them and I will respond as soon as I can - even if you are just requesting that I make the font size bigger! :)
